Bloody Valentine this weekend. Red team will win. Love conquers all!

Sometimes I think I should have become a welder or something. Some practical field, with a job tied directly to it, that other people trained in other things can’t even break into because its too specific, too laborous, too difficult. But I didn’t.

I love the education I have. College was a good time, not just because of parties and what have you. I actually didn’t have the luxury of partying all of the time, because (especially in my junior and senior years) I was commuting and working around 30 hours a week, mostly on weekends. Sure, it would have been nice to go out on weekends, but bars are expensive, booze isn’t that great for you, and anyone who tells you doing that isn’t monotonous after a while is lying.

I had a good time overall in college because of the cool small group of friends I had, the activities I did (and put off doing), and getting to think about French and sociological theory all the time. Culture, identity politics, group think, words people around me didn’t understand but sounded neat…it was all pretty cool. I miss school.

Now, I work at a school. After my 2.5 year tenure as a freight broker for a Fortune 500 company, I packed up and moved to Kansas City (as mentioned in previous articles). Things are great…except for my job. The college isn’t quite like the one I attended, or even one I ever would have looked at. I’m not trying to say it’s a bad place - it definitely isn’t. It’s not a fly-by-night certificate-issuing, non-accredited rip-off. I promise.  It’s a real school but focuses on degrees that actually have set career paths tied to them. It’s a great idea. But it’s a for-profit institution. And to me, that just feels weird. Most of the time, people don’t gravitate to the school as much as we have to go out and find people. It’s just different in almost every way than a traditional school. Valuable, but different.  At the end of the day, colleges are all businesses. This one is just very explicit about the fact that it’s a business.

That being said, I work with good people. The philosophy of changing people’s lives for the better through career education and degree programs is great. I want to help people, and that’s what we do. But when you hop on the phone and dial through a list of people requesting “help,” it turns out that most of them really don’t seem to want to be helped. Taco Bell may not be a career path to you and I (I said career path, not job for now), but it seems to be to some people. Having several kids would normally motivate people to get a better job and support them, so you would think. But in this realm, you get a first-hand account of just how unmotivated people are. Why go to school when you could hang up on someone and keep working part time at Taco Bueno? Why work on becoming a nurse with great benefits who makes $16+ an hour when you can keep making $7.25 an hour at American Eagle? I don’t know anyone who’s that excited to keep living with their parents past the age of, oh, 18. Much less 26. Or higher. So they just hang up. Or act completely disenchanted. Or just never pick up the phone again.

The moral of all of this? If you really want to stay at Taco Bueno that bad, just pick up the first time and tell me you don’t want to go to school. Tell me that when you were on the internet the other day and decided to let the world know you were interested in IT, or criminal justice, that you didn’t actually mean it, because you’re really satisfied with your budding career in taco assembly and sour cream application. The smell is great when you leave, you’re rolling in cash, and doctors are lining up to take the insurance you’ve got on your family.

If you don’t want to change your situation, that’s your perogative. Just don’t be an asshole about it. I want to hear you say, out loud, that you don’t care. Because it isn’t my life, isn’t my family, isn’t my pile of debt. None of this keeps me up at night like it does you.  What does bug the piss out of me, however, is your complete lack of courtesy.

Other than that? I’m just tired of hunting people down. In a traditional atmosphere, you largely deal with people who know they’re going to school and just need to pick where. They’ve got more of an ear. They know what to expect. If they’re horribly unpleasant, there’s more where they came from.

How’s that NIN song go again? “This isn’t meant to last…this is for right now…”

Thanks, Trent. It’s true. This was a job meant to get me down here until I could a) find something better or b) get into school. FAFSA runs June to June, and June 1st, I’m filling it out.

*fin*

Of course, there is some apprehension, me being my usual anxiety-riddled self. I’m constantly comparing myself, which is something in Iowa I tried so hard not to do. It’s an easy trap to fall into, though. The stakes are higher here - KCRW is a GREAT team (2007 National Champs, mind you). I’m incredibly honored to have made it. It’s hard to think that the vets used to skate like the meat. When I think about it like that, I feel a lot better…a lot less inadequate.

There are a few girls specifically who I’ve watched skate a decent amount, and I really try to watch what they’re doing. Watch their feet, watch stance, and soak up everything they’re telling me and try like hell to do better. I’m glad they’re there, because hot damn can they skate, and looking into the distance, I hope I can follow that path. Maybe in a year or so I’ll be working with some meatie, teaching her everything that’s been passed to me.

Cedar Rapids gave me some great background in derby. I’m definitely glad I spent time there - it benefitted me in countless ways, both related and unrelated to derby. But its a different game down here. Someone has faith in me though. They took me.

In other news, I want to go back to school finally. UMKC has an M.Ed program where I could get certified partway through and finish the rest later. I met with an advisor and she went over the whole process with me. My concerns now, of course, are about money and time. Can I quit working when I pursue this later this year? Will my schedule allow this? Can I allow myself to keep putting off what I really, truly want to do for a job I know I don’t want to do forever?

There has to be a way to make school work. I’m not good with settling for mediocrity.

• Everything’s different.

I could list everything, but really, things are different for the better. I joined roller derby and have been progressing at that. Dan and I got together, and it’s been going well; we’re moving in together. Building on that, I’m leaving my stressful, negative office environment that I’ve wanted to get out of for a long time to move to Kansas City, live with Dan, and start a new job as an Admissions Rep for a college (oddly enough, the other job I was offered when I graduated from college myself, just at a different school). Therapy has been doing good things for me, and all of this bundled together has, I think, given me the confidence I need to take more ownership of my life and what happens in it.

That being said, there’s a lot going on. I have to pack my apartment and move. I have to start my new job, next week. I have derby tryouts in Kansas City. I have a trip to Wisconsin that I really wish I didn’t have anymore, but my sister gave it to me for free, so I feel like I need to go.  And Thanksgiving. But it’ll all get done.

So here begins the adventure - it’s Sunday night, and it’s time to clean.

Anyway, this might get redone sometime soon. We’ll see.