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At the end of last week, I’d pretty much hit a panic. My blood was getting hot. When the blood gets hot, it feels like it wants to come out. This, of course, means my “cutting reflex” has been activated, which is no good, no good at all. I’ve been cut free for around 10 months now, and with all of the GOOD things happening, that’s certainly not an option. So, I didn’t do it, but like a recovering addict/alcoholic/what have you, that instinct and desire is always there in the back of your head. You’re never recover-ED. You’re always recover-ING.

This panic came from feeling like I don’t have anything in life under control. Derby was slipping, my relationship (the new-ish one) was great and so I didn’t want anything toxic touching it, work blew, money was tight, and I couldn’t figure out what the next steps were. So I talked to Nicole. I talked to Zaj, I talked to Tom, I even talked to Jesse about it a little bit. I talked to Megan, my roommate, a little bit about it on our way home from practice. All the feedback I got helped me find a foothold. So when Friday rolled around and I had a great weekend to look forward to, the wheels stopped rolling the wrong direction. Now that it’s Monday and great weekend is complete, I have plans.

That being said, I’m going to do an entry-by-entry breakdown of all of the different parts of my life. This way, I can think through each thing completely, without interference from anything else. I can figure out exactly what’s wrong with the bad parts so they can be fixed. I can figure out what steps need to be taken in what order. I’m not trying to force life in any given direction, just feel like I have the reins again and not be so damn scared. So here it goes.