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What the fuck do I do with my life?

You could have been really pretty if you hadn’t gotten so fat.

Why didn’t you do something productive when you went to college? Why couldn’t you have been one of those people who knew what you wanted to do with your life? Why didn’t you just become a teacher during undergrad? Why can’t you develop some kind of profitable skill? I don’t want to sell anything. I don’t want to help people who don’t want to be helped. I want to do something that makes me happy. I want to know how to do that.

Why do I feel like I’m still 18 half the time, shit still in front of me, and the other half I feel like I’m 60 and nothing can change anymore?

Why am I having my mid-life crisis at 25?

I’m trying to tell myself that I’m not a sleazy, overweight, underachieving, unmotivated dirtbag, jerk, waste of space.

I just want my own purpose. My own reason for trudging along. I don’t like my job. I’m burnt out on most aspects of my life. I want to hide in a hole. Some things are really good and make me really happy and I think it’s motivating me to rework the parts of my life that aren’t. But I’m not at home anymore, my therapist isn’t here. I have to figure this out all on my own. I’ve taken a few steps toward this but now I’m at the do-or-die part. Now it actually has to happen. And I don’t know if I’m smart enough for it to happen, or dedicated enough, or able to sustain myself enough. Or what exactly I want to do.

Why can’t I just get my shit together?